Thursday, April 18, 2013


I don't really like sharing things like this... but I realized after my miscarriage that it was very therapeutic to put my thoughts on "paper." I also realized that I wasn't alone, when I starting talking about my miscarriage I had so many people tell me their experiences with miscarriages, so many people that I know have had one, or two or even twelve and I never knew. It is so great to be able to talk to people about it and know that they know how hard it was and sometimes still is. So here we go again... this time down a different road, a road of infertility.
Shortly after Curtis and I got married, we decided to start a family. 2 months later I found out I was pregnant. It happened so fast so I assumed that when I was ready again it would happen just as quickly as the first time around. That didn't happen, almost 2 years ago we stopped all forms of birth control in hopes of having another baby. A couple months passed... not pregnant, a couple more... still not pregnant, a few more after that... not pregnant. I started getting a little concerned so I started tracking my ovulation and went another couple months with no pregnancy. After about 10 months I was getting extremely frustrated. Our family and friends kept asking when we were going to have another one, little did they know that we had been trying for almost a year. I bought a home ovulation test kit to better track  my ovulation, but every morning that I peed on that little stick, it showed no sign of ovulation. At the end of that month I found out I was pregnant. FINALLY!! 10 weeks later I miscarried. We waited 6 weeks and then started trying again. Curtis and I started thinking that maybe something was wrong, but I wasn't willing to accept that. We just kept trying and every month I was let down. In February when I started my period I lost it. I cried and cried, I wasn't pregnant and it felt like everyone around me was. Then came March, March would have been the month that we welcomed a new baby into our family, I thought for sure that I would get pregnant, again it was a month of disappointment. I called the doctor.
April 4th I went in to talk to him about options... where to go next.
There was an intern there that day. He came into the room and asked me what I was there for. I explained the situation to him, told him we'd been trying for almost 2 years, had 1 miscarriage in that time and wanted to know what we could do. He made me feel like a crazy person, told me 2 years isn't that long, told me there wasn't anything wrong, I had after all gotten pregnant twice before, and asked me if I had sought counseling for the miscarriage. I was getting angry and crying listening to him to tell me these things. He's not a doctor, he's an intern. How dare he ask me if I'd sought counseling, he seriously made me feel stupid for even being there. Dr McKay came in... my knight in shining armor here to save me from the intern, we got him up to date and he told me we could schedule an ultrasound during the time that I should be ovulating. He then told me my options, we could look into flushing my ovaries or start me on Clomid depending on what the ultrasound showed.
I went in April 15th and got some not so good news. I have poly cystic ovaries (little cysts on both my ovaries) and I showed no sign of ovulating this month. When I start my next cycle I will start on Clomid, a drug that helps stimulate ovulation in hopes of releasing an egg to fertilize. There is always a chance of multiples when on fertility drugs, but Curtis and I are okay with that. We'll try this first and keep our fingers crossed. If it doesn't work we will move on to flushing my ovaries, if that doesn't work, I'm done. I'm not willing to try in-vitro or any other options that might be out there. So whoever might read this, please say a little prayer that this does work. I know that there is a plan in place for me and maybe I'm only meant to have one, but prayer never hurts!

Friday, March 1, 2013


I feel like I've been dreading this month for so long... it's here now, I cant change it I just have to put my big girl panties on and get through it.
For most people March means spring is near... for me it's a month of sadness.
March 7th will mark 1 year since we had to put down my kitty Princess. I cant even wrap my head around the fact that shes been gone for a year. She was a member of our family for 8 years and I think about her almost daily. I am so grateful to still have my Buster Boy to love, but even after a year, our home feels so empty to me.
March is also the month that I should be holding a new baby in my arms. Before the miscarriage my calculating put my due date as March 11th. We have been trying for another, but for some reason it's just not happening. I am so happy with my life, with my amazing husband and my beautiful daughter... they fill my life with so much love and happiness, but for as long as I can remember I've always wanted to have 2 or 3. I know that my Heavenly Father has a plan for us... I just wish that his plan was the same as mine.
For now I will take it one day at a time. I will have some really bad days this month, days that I just just want to stay in bed, and days that I will cry way too much, but I will do my best to to remember all the good things I have in my life. My husband and amazing daughter, my family and friends who I love so much, a beautiful home that is filled with everything we need, a job that I love with coworkers that drive me crazy and love me no matter what and all the little things that make my life wonderful!! I will count my blessings daily and patiently wait for April :)