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I never thought these words would be mine... but they are. I had a miscarriage.
Tuesday night I went to the ER a little after 11:00 pm. When I went to the bathroom there was some blood, so I immediately got in the car. I told Curtis to stay home with Kalyn and keep his phone near, that I would call him with an update. I also told my mom and Tim to stay home, but they didn't listen.
They drew some blood, took a urine sample and made me wait forever. They finally took me for an ultrasound around 1:00 am. I knew what I was looking for... all I wanted to see was that little heartbeat, but I didn't. I didn't see movement... I didn't even see a baby.
They sent me back to my room without saying much and again I waited to hear the results (which I already knew) I knew that I was miscarrying, but I couldn't wrap my head around that fact that I didn't see a baby in that ultrasound. Around 2 am thay came in and confirmed that I was having a miscarriage. I had an appt scheduled the next morning for our first ultrasound with the OB, so they called my doc and he said he still wanted to see me.
I slept for a couple hours and got up yesterday to go to the doctor. He told us that he has seen the ultrasound and explained to Curtis and I what had happened. He said that there were some chromosone issues, my eggs and Curtis' sperm didn't mesh well together so a fetus never even formed. The sac that holds the fetus was there and had grown, but nothing else did. He said this is VERY common and with most miscarriages there is never a fetus. In cases like this when a fetus does form and is carried full term, you end up with downs syndrome. It's not anything I did, or didn't do, it's just plain bad luck.
As strange as it seems I was actually happy to hear that there was never a fetus. I fetus to me means life and spirit, I was so sad to know that a spirit had chosen our family and was never given the opportunity to be with us on earth. So that fact that there wasn't relieved me. 
I am feeling very blessed today. There are so many women who go through this over and over again and never get the child they yearn for... Curtis and I however have been blessed with a happy, healthy, beautifully perfect little girl and she is all we really need. I know that my heavenly father has a plan for our family and if it includes another little life to love I would be over the moon... if not that's okay too. For now, this little ham will get to keep us all to herself...