.

I never thought these words would be mine... but they are. I had a miscarriage.
Tuesday night I went to the ER a little after 11:00 pm. When I went to the bathroom there was some blood, so I immediately got in the car. I told Curtis to stay home with Kalyn and keep his phone near, that I would call him with an update. I also told my mom and Tim to stay home, but they didn't listen.
They drew some blood, took a urine sample and made me wait forever. They finally took me for an ultrasound around 1:00 am. I knew what I was looking for... all I wanted to see was that little heartbeat, but I didn't. I didn't see movement... I didn't even see a baby.
They sent me back to my room without saying much and again I waited to hear the results (which I already knew) I knew that I was miscarrying, but I couldn't wrap my head around that fact that I didn't see a baby in that ultrasound. Around 2 am thay came in and confirmed that I was having a miscarriage. I had an appt scheduled the next morning for our first ultrasound with the OB, so they called my doc and he said he still wanted to see me.
I slept for a couple hours and got up yesterday to go to the doctor. He told us that he has seen the ultrasound and explained to Curtis and I what had happened. He said that there were some chromosone issues, my eggs and Curtis' sperm didn't mesh well together so a fetus never even formed. The sac that holds the fetus was there and had grown, but nothing else did. He said this is VERY common and with most miscarriages there is never a fetus. In cases like this when a fetus does form and is carried full term, you end up with downs syndrome. It's not anything I did, or didn't do, it's just plain bad luck.
As strange as it seems I was actually happy to hear that there was never a fetus. I fetus to me means life and spirit, I was so sad to know that a spirit had chosen our family and was never given the opportunity to be with us on earth. So that fact that there wasn't relieved me. 
I am feeling very blessed today. There are so many women who go through this over and over again and never get the child they yearn for... Curtis and I however have been blessed with a happy, healthy, beautifully perfect little girl and she is all we really need. I know that my heavenly father has a plan for our family and if it includes another little life to love I would be over the moon... if not that's okay too. For now, this little ham will get to keep us all to herself...

Kalyns new bed

A little over a month ago we decided it was time for Kalyn to move out of her crib. I decided to skip the toddler bed and go straight to a twin to save money and I thought it would be easy to find a used one online.

I was wrong. Apparently I'm too picky.

For the time being we took the front railing off her crib and she slept in that until I found the right bed.

The first couple nights she fell out and woke up on the floor crying. On the 3rd or 4th night I could hear her whimpering, but I could tell she was still asleep. When I went into her room, I almost stepped on her head. She was sleeping on the floor in the middle of the room. After the 5th night, everything was smooth sailing.

After a week or so in her converted crib I found the perfect bed and dresser and bought them. Problem was they were going to take a month to get in.

While we waited I found a twin mattress set on craigslist for $50 and it was like brand new! SCORE!!! We took the crib down and put the mattresses on the floor. She loved sleeping in what she called her "gib birl" bed.

Last week her new bed came in and we were all so excited to put it together. Kalyn helped put the screws in the holes and even helped daddy with the drill.

When it was finally put together and made she had so much fun jumping on it and climbing on and off of it. Shes been sleeping in what she now calls her "new gib birl bed" for about a week and we all love it!

I cant believe how fast my baby is growing. As much as I love all the new things shes learning and all the new stages... I want her to stay little forever.

Hawaii

At the end of February we took the trip of a lifetime to Oahu Hawaii with Aunt Marlena and Aunt Ruth. Before I forget anything, I thought I would post some pictures and memories.

Kalyn was an absolute champ on the plane ride there. We had been talking about this trip for weeks before we left in the hopes that she would be excited and not scared to fly. Well she LOVED it! When we were getting ready for takeoff we all buckled our seat belts and Kalyn announced "Ready for blastoff!" We "blasted" off and it was smooth sailing from there. She took a great nap on the way there and played quietly the rest of the flight. She fell asleep towards the end of our flight, but woke up in time to land in Hawaii. It was almost 11pm when we got in so we didn't really get to see anything until the next morning.

Our first day there was spent at the pool and walking to the ocean (it was only 2 blocks from our hotel) so we could dip our toes in the Pacific. Kalyn absolutely LOVED the pool and HATED the ocean. Aunt Marlena bought Curtis a boogie board, it was expensive to rent them and she figured this way he could use it everyday if he wanted. He loved watching and learning from the locals and by the end of the week was almost a pro.

 The second day there we walked to International Market to do some shopping and sightseeing. There was an amazing Koi pond at the market with tons of Koi. It was beautiful! There were also birds that hung out there and we were able to get close enough that we could almost touch them.
That afternoon Curtis and Aunt Ruth left before us so they could get back to the hotel. The did a helicopter tour of the island and loved it. Aunt Marlena, Kalyn and I went back to the pool and played there while they were gone. When they got back we looked at pictures and the video from the helicopter ride. It was pretty cool to see the island from the sky.

That night we walked back down to an all you can eat prime rib and crab leg buffet. Kalyn tried crab legs for the first time and LOVED it. I don't like seafood so I'm glad that Curtis does and that hes introducing Kalyn to it. Kalyn stuffed herself on crab legs, shrimp, salad, fruit and ice cream and when she was done she fell asleep listening to the live music that was playing.

 Pearl Harbor was so amazing!! I learned so much that day! The USS Arizona memorial was fantastic. Such an important part of our history and it was so peaceful there. I thought it was going to be a tough day for Kalyn but she was perfect the whole time.

 I REALLY wanted to visit the zoo while we there, it was only 2 blocks from our hotel and I knew Kalyn would love it.
That morning Curtis, Aunt Marlena, and Aunt Ruth went and did the Atlantis Submarine tour. Kalyn was too small to do it, so we hung out at the hotel and took a nap while they went. When the got back Curtis and I took Kalyn to the zoo. There were tons of beautiful animals and plants to see, but at the end of the day Kalyn told us the peacock was her favorite. Really? Not the tiger? Or Elephant? Or Lions? Or even the Giraffe? Nope! The peacock that we really only saw in passing. They had a little playground at the zoo so Curtis took Kalyn to play while I did some shopping at the gift shop.

On our way back from the zoo it started to sprinkle a little and then the wind really picked up. It started to rain a little harder so Kalyn and I picked up the pace so we could get back before it got really bad. Curtis stayed behind to try and catch some pictures of ocean and the gigantic waves that the wind was making.

Our last full day in Hawaii was my FAVORITE!! We Hopped the bus that morning and headed along the North Shore to the Polynesian Cultural Center. It was so awesome!! We got to meet and learn about the 7 cultures of Polynesia. Hawaii, Samoa, New Zealand, Fiji, Tahiti, Marquesas and Tonga. There was a canoe pageant, a canoe ride, dancing, family activities, a luau and a fabulous show at the end of the night. Ha, breath of life! It was so interesting to learn about all the different tribes, to see their dances, to listen to their songs and to just take it all in. I found Kalyn and Curtis matching outfits at the International Market, and they wore them that day. SO CUTE!! Curtis learned to Hula, Kalyn played the bamboo sticks and we all danced and sang. PCC is run mostly by students attending BYU Hawaii. It helps cover the cost of their tuition and all of the students who help run it, "work" in their native culture. So when you're visiting Tonga, you're learning about their culture from people born in Tonga. It was pretty impressive. I cant for the life of me remember out tour guides name, but he was a sophomore at BYU Hawaii and was waiting for his mission call to arrive any time. He was such a great guy!
I really wanted to see the Laie temple while I was there. There were 2 buses that went there between dinner and the evening show, so my plan was to go visit the Temple while the others shopped at the gift store, but I missed both buses. If we ever make it back, I WILL make it a priority!

The day we went home our flight didn't leave until 8 pm, so we had a little bit of time to do one more thing. When we were planing our trip my "Hawaii bucket list" was to go to Pearl Harbor, PCC and to climb Diamond Head. I had done everything except Diamond Head. Kalyn stayed with Marlena and Ruth so Curtis and I could rent mopeds and drive to the mountain. We took the short scooter ride and headed up the mountain. It was only like 3/4 mile, but it was the hardest 3/4 mile of my life. Curtis was so good at keeping me motivated when I wanted to quit and when we finally made it to the top it was SO WORTH IT!! The view was amazing and I was so proud of myself. We stopped at the International Market on the way back to hotel for some last minute souvenirs and headed back to the hotel to get packed up.

The flight home was a good one, we got stuck in Dallas for a little before heading to Chicago and out parents were worried we would be able to get back to Traverse because they were having a snow storm, but we made it.

I'm so glad we were able to go. Even if Kalyn doesn't remember the trip when shes older, we always have our memories so we can tell her about it and of course we have amazing photos to show her. Thank You Aunt Marlena and Aunt Ruth for taking us!! We are so grateful.

Bedtime prayers

I am always entertained by Kalyns prayers. Usually when saying our bedtime prayer she mentions something we've done or someone from that day that we've seen. Yesterday she stayed home all day, it was too cold to play outside and I had to work so she was stuck inside all day. When I got home from work last night she was so excited to see that I had brought balloons home for her. She played with them until bedtime and then asked for me to bring them in her room for her to sleep with them. I wouldn't let her bring them into to bed, but she was happy having them next to her bed.

We folded our arms and she started the prayer... "dear Heavenly Father" at this point if she doesn't say anything I will continue on and she will repeat what I say, If she continues on, I repeat what she says. "Thank you for the animals... thank you for the lions... thank you for the peacock" I'm repeating what shes saying and Curtis and I are both trying not to laugh. At this point I take over so that our whole prayer isn't just listing random animals that she is thankful for. A couple seconds later she breaks in again "and thank you for my balloons" I giggle a little more, "thank you so much for our family" and we finish up.

I am so grateful that she is thankful for so much. I am grateful that she gets so much joy out of something like a couple balloons. I am mostly grateful that at 2 1/2 she never forgets to thank her Heavenly Father for her family...

Easter happenings

I am really going to try to be more diligent about updating my blog. I know it will be so worth it in the future when I can look back and remember little details about our day to day. So here goes again.
This year for Easter Kalyn was finally big enough to do an egg hunt, she has gone before, but this year she understood the idea of snatching up the eggs and putting them in her basket. Since I had to work Saturday she went with Mema and Marlee (Grandma Rachel went too, but she stayed in the car) I was so excited for her to go, but was so annoyed after I talked to Mema... it was mass chaos and I was so bummed that Kalyn got a measly 2 eggs. I wont go into details, but lets just say some big kids (and adults) are rude and care only about how many eggs they get and not that its supposed to be about EVERYONE having fun. Next year we will have our own egg hunt at our house, no bullies allowed. Now that I'm done with my little rant... onto the good stuff.
Sunday was a fabulous day! It was Easter and Daddy's birthday! We woke Kalyn up at 8:30 so she could find her basket and daddy could open his gift. Of course Kalyn was chomping at the bit so after her cereal we let her have a couple pieces of chocolate and we got ready for church. I only stayed for sacrament meeting so I could come home and get lunch ready. I asked Kalyn if she wanted to come home and she told me no, that she wanted to go to "the nursery" so cute. Everyone came over for lunch after church and we had a great meal. Kalyn did a small egg hunt in the backyard where she scored more candy and some money. After her nap, and dinner Curtis went with Brian to go bowling for his birthday, so we had the evening to ourselves. We played, watched her new Barbie movie and ate more candy. About 9:30 it was time for bed. I went to the bathroom to go potty and to get Kalyns toothbrush ready, I came out to dead silence. I called out to Kalyn, no answer. I called out again...

Me: "Kalyn?"

Kalyn: "Yeah" (coming from the basement)

Me: "What are you doing down there?"

No response

Me: "Kalyn, what are you doing?"

K: "One minute"

Me: "No, get up here please"

K: "Ill be done in a minute"

Me: "One... Two... Three..."

Still no response, so I head down the stairs. I can hear her talking but I don't see her. There is a small light on above the washer and dryer, but I dont see her.

Me: "Kalyn?"

K: "One more minute momma"

I realize that she is in the bathroom. I open the door and find my child sitting on the bathroom floor with no lights on, her empty Easter basket next to her, and powder nesquick in her lap. Shes eating the chocolate nesquick by the handful... its all over her shirt, on her face and caked in her fingernails. I tore it out of hands and told her that she could was not to eat that ever again, she cried and I tried really hard not to let her see me laugh. If I wouldn't have been so mortified it would have made for a fabulous photo, but I promptly washed her off and chaged her jammies. All in all, it was a great day. There is nothing better than holidays with our family, especially a holiday that means so much to all of us.

Kalyn and Marlee at the egg hunt

Lyric, Baby Jazz, Marlee and Kalyn

Being the terrible mother that I am, I did not get a single picture of Kalyn in her Easter dress. Oops! I guess there is always next year :)

I really

I love you...

I know I haven't blogged in well over 6 months... but I had THE most amazing experience a couple nights ago and I want to "put on paper" so I never forget it.

Kalyn and I were on the couch watching X Factor and she was dancing while the contestants sang. After one of the performances we both clapped... after we clapped she walked over to me, laid her head on my shoulder and said "I love you momma" I have been wanting this moment to happen so badly... for her to tell me she loved me without me saying it first and when I got it I immediately started crying. This is how the conversation went...

Me (crying): "I love you too baby girl"

Kalyn : "Momma crying"

Me: "Yeah, mommas crying... but I'm crying because I'm happy"

Kalyn: "Momma crying happy"

Me: "Yup mommas happy"

Kalyn: "I happy too momma, I happy"

Followed by lots of hugs and kisses and Kalyn pretend crying like momma was. My heart melted as soon as those words were said and I think it has changed me forever... 3 simple words I LOVE YOU... I never knew they could mean so much.

As much as I would love to post a current picture, I haven't loaded any in awhile - instead you get one from the 4th of July cause I like it... enjoy!

18 months

Oops... I guess its been awhile, I blame it entirely on my Droid. We got them in October and it's basically the only "computer" I use anymore. It's just so convienant. I've tried blogging from my phone, but for some reason I cant.

So here I am finally on the laptop and ready to go.

I wont focus on all the months that I've missed.

Soo... Kalyn is 18 months old now. 18 months came with lots of excitment. The last weekend in March she went to nursery for the 1st time (we helped there a month and half ago, but I was there too) So this time she was all by herself. I knew she would be fine and she was. After sacrament she walked down the hall by herself, went to nursery and started playing. I tried to get a picture but she was busy and wouldnt even look at me. I left and I dont think she even noticed or cared that I was gone!! Needless to say, they said she did great.

We went to the doc last week and got her current stats. 21 lbs, 31 1/4" tall and perfectly healty.

To top off the week Kalyn went pee-pee on the potty! I was so excited, but in the back of mind I thought maybe it was a fluke... today she proved me wrong and did it again. I dont want to jinx anything, but I think potty training is going to be a breeze!!!

Other than that life is the same around here... a little hectic at times, but so much fun.

Since I'm never on here I dont have a current pics, but here is one from a couple months ago. Kalyn loves to read...